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A Screenager Reviews the Trailer of Screenager

He wishes he had a cell phone.
He wishes he had a cell phone.

It feels so nice to have something to thoroughly make fun of. In this case, my target lies on the feature film, Screenagers directed, edited, and produced by Delaney Ruston. First impressions, I hate the name, and I hate the name of the director. The name of the film is cliche and the name of the director is one of the most WASP names I’ve heard in a long time. It sounds like the name of that one annoying mom on the PTA, who always insists on baking organic, gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, soy free, free range chocolate chip cookies. Someone who doesn’t take their kids to a doctor but instead opts to rub peppermint oil on their forehead to ward of the bad juju. And definitely someone who is an anti-vaxxer. But, let’s not judge a book by its cover. Let’s judge the book by its two minute long moving cover.

The trailer opens with the eye of a child being contrasted with the camera of an iPhone. Oh, real clever dumbass. That’s so deep, did a twelve year old help you with that one? Or were you just like, “A child’s eye is so innocent so I must match it with an iPhone so people realize what’s at stake! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!” That is Michael Bay levels of cinematography. Delaney then begins to narrate the trailer by saying it all started when she wanted to buy a cell phone for her daughter, Tessa. Tessa wanted a smart phone. Yeah, no shit. Most of her friends probably have one. It’s normal. And seriously? This is when you started questioning the evils of an LED screen? Not when you spend your work day on facebook stalking your friends in high school and wondering why you’re so damn miserable with your life? That’s like not noticing the obesity epidemic but you’re an employee at McDonald’s.

Delaney, a Stanford and Cornell trained doctor then begins her inquisition on the evils of cellular devices and screen time. She cites her duty, “As a mom” to go find out what evils of the world are lurking in the corners to strangle her children with headphones. A testimony from a student then follows. It is arguably one of the most cherry picked things I’ve ever seen. The unnamed girl is seen at a desk with her head down looking at her phone, then goes on to talk about how distracted she is. Sometimes, she cannot even hear the teacher talk because the phone is just too distracting. Okay, if you can’t be bothered to put your stupid phone away during class, you either have a serious debilitating mental addiction, or you’re a bad student. Signs point to the latter. Even if she did have a mental problem, she is in the vast minority. People aren’t zombies attached to their phone like so called deep critics of society like Delaney claim. Cell phones can be distracting, but if you literally can’t get off it then sorry buddy get some help. Or Delaney will get you in her “society shaking” feature films.

Another testimony is from a young child talking about deceiving his mother into thinking he’s doing math homework, but in reality he’s just playing video games. Ok? BREAKING NEWS: PARENT LEAVES CHILD ALONE AND CHILD SHIRKS RESPONSIBILITY. C’mon buddy. If you can’t watch your kid you don’t know what they’re doing. They could be putting peanut butter on weird places to see how it feels. Or playing Angry Birds. It’s hard to tell sometimes. And then there’s some footage of games, of which I both recognized. For future reference Delaney, use Civilization 5 with the Brave New World Expansion Pack. It adds such features like religion, trade, and develops the game in general. And I doubt this was the point you were trying to make. And of course the footage they use for Grand Theft Auto V is a character chasing down a pedestrian in first person perspective with a broken bottle. It’s not like that game is meant for people older than 17 or nothing. Oh yeah? Teenage boys playing 11.3 hours per week? That’s less than two hours per day. Sorry Delaney, but most people spend more time on that watching television.

Literally. Stop complaining about teenagers playing video games. This sister complaining about how her brother is a different person when he’s playing video games. Just stop. Stop. Reevaluate your priorities. Find something better to complain about. Like poverty. Don’t sit in front of a camera and cry because your brother is older and doesn’t want to spend all his time with you and would rather unwind in front of a computer.

And fellow teens, don’t take nude pictures of yourself. You know what happened to Jennifer Lawrence? Is that what you want? Seriously the naked body is something so many people are self conscious about and it is definitely not a good idea to distribute pictures of that stuff. And we don’t really need a feature length film to reinforce that. And how are video gaming and social media large aspects of the complication of parenthood? I’m sure your parents probably bitched about radio or rock and roll or something. Learn to deal with it. Life changes. It’s okay.

Honestly there’s a lot more crap that I don’t feel like going into. Seriously, this really doesn’t seem to be a case of the evil smartphone but rather a parent complaining about their various shortcomings and pinning it on technology. Fun fact I get to watch the movie tomorrow. I’ll take notes so I can make fun of it for you.




One Comment

  1. Thank you for posting this. This is a work of art. *insert pun about an art gallery*

    I heard about your blog because me and Julia were talking about my blog and she told me about yours. I used to have a blog going for several years but it kind of fell apart so a few days ago I made a new one so I can start fresh.
    I’ll keep reading this, we have the same sense of humor/sarcasm. xD

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